Dissection of a Weight Room

Recently-ish, I've worked up the courage to FINALLY use the weight room section of the gym. If you are anything like me you have always found the weight room section a bit intimidating. I don't know how most of the machines work, I am lifting significantly less weight than the rest of the people in there and it's usually filled with dudes. In the past, my usual gym routine was to just avoid the weight-room section, not make eye contact with anyone in there.. AT ALL COSTS and make a b-line for the elliptical/treadmill/bike section and blow outta there. Well, about 9 months or so ago I decided that I should start lifting weights, mainly so my arms don't look like waving ghosts in my wedding dress and also because I am always jealous of those girls that can walk into the weight room section and know exactly what they are doing.

Since I have started frequenting the weight room and I have actually noticed the weight room is a lot like the cafeteria from Mean Girls (if you don't know what Mean Girls is - then you can't sit with us). There are specific types of weight room people and I have decided to group them. Read, judge, criticize my list below and let me know what I am missing, this is IMPORTANT business.

1. "That Guy": This is the guy (or could be girl.. not usually) that is the loudest, most obnoxious guy in the weight room. He is usually standing at the most intimidating machine and has the heaviest weights all around him - although you hardly ever see him lift a single weight. If he does actually lift a weight - it's once and it's coupled with the LOUDEST grunt of all time. "That Guy" is also not afraid to walk up to anyone he wants to and tell them all the ways they are doing their moves wrongly. I thank you "That Guy" for your comedic relief as I fake my way through pretending to know what I am doing through my weight lifting routine.

2. "Bro-tein"**: This is the guy (or girl) who is "in the zone," they usually have a huge milk jug full of water/protein/Gatorade/steroid juice(?) by their sides, their music blasting as they rip through a ridiculous amount of reps. This is the person that makes me feel terrible about myself - mainly because I am sitting on the bench next to them lifting 15 pound weights while they are lifting 115 pounds oh and all without breaking a sweat. Thank you "Bro-tein" for putting into perspective how truly weak I really am.
**Thanks to my friend Gabe for this terminology 


3. "Workout Barbie": Freaking workout barbie - how I hate you. This is the Regina George of the weight room ("she has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus"). She looks beautiful, she sweats basically sequins and she can lift an impressive amount of weights. She makes even the dumbest little weight lifting routines look perfect. I try with all my power to avoid standing near this woman and of course NEVER make any eye contact- however when the universe (or the gym because every other spot is full) forces us to stand next to each other - it does motivate me. Umm hello, she can't look THAT much better than me - I might be in pain for 16 days after my work out, but I sure am not gonna her make me look that bad in the gym.  So for that, thank you "Workout Barbie."

4. "The One that Has No Idea What They are Doing": This is exactly what it sounds. This person has no idea what they are doing. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I was and sometimes am still this person. I remember probably one of my most embarrassing moments at the gym. I was with my former co-worker, Juliena (she is a "workout barbie") and I was faking my way through using the weight room with her. I decided to do the pull down bar and thought I must look pretty good using it to - as everyone was gawking at me and smiling. My large ego and happy cloud was shot down the second Juliena looked at me and started busted out laughing. Apparently, I was sitting on the machine, backwards. Yeah, that kept me from going back to the weight room for about a solid year and a half. But, don't you worry "The One that Has No Idea What They are Doing" - you can only go up from here.

5. "Get In and Get Out": This is person who walks in grabs their weights - does their reps and blazes on outta there. This person isn't looking to chat, isn't looking to correct anyone's mistakes - they are looking to just lift some weights, even if its moderately incorrect and move on. I prefer to be this type of person, so "That Guy" please refrain from coming up to me while I am bench pressing to educate me on what muscles I am working on (true story).

6. "Wannabe Wife": This person.. this person.. THIS PERSON. The "Wannabe Wife" is the one that makes you want to pull your hair out. They have full blown make up, the cutest outfit on (okay, I am jealous of their work out clothes) and not a drop of sweat on their face. They are there, in the weight room, crossing their fingers that a man (usually "That Guy") will walk up to them and use some gross pick up line, fall in love and never have to come back to the gym- ever again. Thank "Wannabe Wife" simply for giving me quality gym time entertainment - it feels like I am watching Laguna Beach while working out.

I am in no way judging... we need all of you to make this world go round. Now, for all of you fearful, afraid, intimidated by the weight room - this should empower you! Get in there and lift some weights! Look on the bright side...there is always going to be someone that looks absolutely ridiculous standing near you and if there isn't... bring me along, you'll look like a pro standing next to me. GOOD LUCK and don't forget to reward yourself with Fro Yo, after!