Minus the Skinny Gene

As I shared in my previous blog post - I have finally committed and lost a substantial amount of weight - the weight that I gained in college (why, why, why, did I do that to myself?). At 25-years-young I am unfortunately not able to say that this is the first time I have had to fight the battle of my weight.

Middle School Years

Let's take a trip back in time - let's visit elementary school aged, Mackenzie. I was always the chunky kid - it didn't really seem to bug me, I had great friends and tons of cute clothes from the Limited Too, so that's all I really needed. However, it did start to bug me as I started noticing little differences between me and my friends. My friends were all smaller than me, I couldn't really borrow their clothes, many of the clothes at  Limited Too weren't fitting me like they used to - and I could NEVER seem to make it through the DREADED mile in gym class, without plotting a plan in my head as to how I'd fake an injury to end it early. But, I was a kid and thankfully, I was not as consumed as much into what everyone else thought. But then it was time for Middle School and let's face it - Middle School is rough. We're all awkward, we're all emotional, confused and trying to figure out what is and isn't cool - but add in being overweight & having bad bangs on top of it (thanks Mom) and it's even rougher. It always seemed to bug other people that I was overweight and to this day I've NEVER seemed to understand that. Hearing other people say things about me or hearing my parents encourage me to maybe not eat this or that, started to slowly sink into my mind. From that, I did try to cut things out and eat a bit healthier - but, I was a middle schooler and thankfully, that was just something I didn't find to be a priority at that moment.

If you couldn't figure it out - I'm the one in pink (High School)

Fast forward to High School.. High School is when the reality of my weight really started to register with me. No longer was it "baby weight" I went from "baby weight" to super over weight - in what seemed like a matter of moments. My parents suggested that I start trying to get a hold of my weight and I could tell everyone at school thought so too.  So, I started trying different diets, Slim Fast - I mean hello, Slim and Fast sounded like a good option to me. I'd try it for a few days, but then quit - Do you blame me? Those shakes are disgusting & I like food, that's not food. I tried Weight Watchers because my parents wanted me to, lost a few pounds then fell off the wagon and countless other fad diet attempts. I just didn't have the passion or the drive at the time. My parents also pushed me to start working out, that was also something that I dreaded. Why the in the world would I purposely want to go run around in a circle - the only way you could get me to run was if something was chasing me. Reluctantly though, I'd go for a walk, walking as slow as I could, taking as many short cuts as I could, because I didn't want to and just didn't care. It wasn't that I was necessarily "happy" with myself and my appearance - it's just that I didn't care yet to change it and my wonderful friends loved me regardless. 

Finally, in the 10th grade - I remember sitting on the couch (of course) and having an epiphany that I was ready to be healthy. I was ready to go to the Abercrombie and buy whatever I wanted. I was ready to be able to run a mile and not have to stop every minute to "tie my shoe." So, I walked up to my mom and told her I was ready to re-join Weight Watchers. This time was different, I was in control - it was my decision, it wasn't someone else's choice. The weight started to come off I even started to work out, voluntarily - and not because someone was chasing me or dangling a cookie in front of me (HA). I was shocked to keep seeing the numbers drop on the scale every week and slowly but surely, I was getting into the "normal" sizes that a 15-year-old girl "should be." I was lucky, my mom cooked me healthy meals and helped me by measuring my daily points and serving sizes - we belonged to a gym and I was able to go work on on the elliptical daily - and within 9 months I had gone from a whopping 216 pounds (Size 18) to around 130 pounds (Size 2). In 9 months, I had dropped 86 pounds - something I can not even fathom now. High School got a lot easier then, I looked a lot more like my friends, I was even asked by people  I went to school with for my entire life - if I was new. Incredible, right?

Post Weight Loss, High School

But,  if I'm being honest. I was never truly satisfied with myself. My weight became an obsession - I couldn't stop losing weight. I dropped well below 130 lbs at one point and I'm 5'7. I constantly starred at myself in the mirror pulling on spots on my body and thinking if I could just get rid of this or that, I'd finally be happy with myself. But, the truth is - no matter how small I got, I wasn't ever going to be happy with myself. Sure, I was able to wear the clothes I always wanted to fit into, boys finally started to notice me but I could never shake the obsession I had with the scale. I was constantly obsessing about the food I ate - I'd never let myself splurge or cheat in fear that I'd wake up the next day a size 18 again. At a size 2 it seemed that, on the inside, I was exactly the same girl I was as a size 18. I remember hating who I was - my sister and I used to constantly get into arguments because she'd be in mid-sentence and I'd stop and ask her - "Does this make me look fat?" She once mentioned counting over 25 times that I had asked her, in just a few hours. My weight, being "skinny" -  became so consuming. Toward the end of my Senior year, I was exhausted by it all - and right before leaving for college my parents split up. I left for college and just stopped caring.

Weight started adding on in college

The weight started catching up to me as quickly if not quicker, than I lost it before. I remember thinking, oh well, I'm a Weight Watchers Lifetime member, I'll get it off in no time. I never let myself eat french fries, pasta, pizza, dessert before - so when it was all available to me at free will in college, I indulged and indulged and indulged. I made up for every instance that I deprived myself in high school. I remember thinking - oh well, as long as I'm not as heavy I was before- I'll be good. Suddenly, I started seeing myself in pictures and I was instantly hit with a blast of reality. How much weight have I really put on? Again came the voices from others that maybe I should go back to Weight Watchers - maybe it was time that I got a hold of it. I'd make some fake attempts to 'cut calories' - park further away in the Walmart parking lot, but I knew that I wasn't going to really make it happen until it was my decision.

 My Junior Year of College- I was sitting at a intramural basketball game with my friend Tara when she told me about how she recently had bit the bullet and gone back to Weight Watchers. Tara also had struggled with weight her entire life and knew what it was like to be born without the 'Skinny Gene'. Listening to Tara tell me about her struggles and hear her take control of her weight, made me realize it was time for me to take control of my life too (Side Bar: Tara has now lost over 100 pounds - so inspiring!)

A few days later, I pulled into the Statesboro Weight Watchers - faced the music and hopped on the scale. My heart sank seeing the number in front of me, realizing I had in fact gained back nearly every single pound that I lost in high school. I got back on the wagon and the weight started coming off again. This time, I was on my own. I didn't have my mom to help me cook my meals & plan what I would eat - I had to do the work myself. I made commitments to spend a certain amount of time at the gym and the weight started coming off again - not as quickly as before - but it was still coming off. I was down about 45 lbs or so and with the stress of a college relationship in trouble and the overwhelming stress of my Senior Year- I put my weight loss on the back burner and gained back more than half of the 45 lbs I lost.

Me (and Zoey) Now

I fully committed myself again about a year and a half after I graduated college. I found a weight watchers meeting I loved and fully dedicated myself to getting healthy. It has been a struggle since then - the weight hasn't come off fast and I'm even exercising harder than I ever had in high school but because of this, I've learned so much. I am now 44 or so pounds down since rejoining after college (and about 60 lbs down from rejoining in college) but it has taken me double what it took me to lose those 86 pounds in high school. This time though, I decided to change my lifestyle and not ban or deprive myself of food. I let myself enjoy some sweet potato fries, I indulge in desserts often and I've picked a goal weight that is less focused on being "skinny" and more focused on being "healthy."  I was not given the gift of the Skinny Gene and maintaining my weight will forever be a part of my life. I just think what is most important is to know that no matter how big or small you are you are always going to hate something about yourself, but it's a matter of not letting it consume you and become an obsession.

Left (After gaining weight in college) Right (Today)

Depriving myself led to starvation, obsession and  brought me to the same place I was before. Strangely, I don't regret my journey at all. Sure, it's easy to say life would have been a lot easier if I didn't regain the weight that I had lost - but the lessons I have learned through going through it all again, are priceless. I realized that happiness with myself is based on a lot more than what the scale says - numbers are so different for everyone and there is not some magical number that equals happy. I never want to be the girl that is never happy with herself, constantly starring at areas I need to change and constantly seeking reassurance from others. I've realized that your body, your health, your life is your own and only changes when you have fully committed to it. Like I said before, I never understood why my weight seemed to bother other people, almost more than it bothered myself at times. The truth of the matter is, people lash out on others to mask their own insecurities. You may never look like who everyone else expects you to be. But, healthy comes in different shapes & sizes and healthy feels better than skinny ever will and that is something that I will be reminding myself of daily.