I have no idea what is next.

I just found this post in my "drafts" this is from this summer (summer 2014) right before getting married. It's amazing how much of your worry can be handled in just a few months. God is good, actually He's great.

I'll post an update, soon!

For now, here's an old post from May 2014 that I forgot to post:


Anyone else like me? Constantly NEED to be in control? Well.. The time has come where I cannot be
in control. I am about 3 weeks from my wedding and will finally be joining my fiancé in Lafayette, Indiana where he has been living since July.

There are about 670 what if's that are constantly running through my mind and lately it's growing stronger and stronger. I've had the same AMAZING job for the past 3.5 years... Working as the Marketing Manager for the BEST Dermatologist in Atlanta (I'm not lying... Jezebel magazine named Atlanta Dermatology & Laser Surgery best dermatologist for 2014 & 2013), I have spent my entire relationship long distance (before moving to Indiana... Matt lived 3 hours away in our college town) and I've been fortunate enough to have TONS of amazing friends nearby as most people I went to college with moved to Atlanta or I've met through my incredible church home (Buckhead Church). What is scary is that is all about to change.

Starting today at 5:00pm I became.. "Unemployed" and boy does that scare me. I had to say goodbye to my job as I am getting ready to move on to a new state, where I'm very excited to eventually (hopefully soon) start a new amazing job. But... It's scary to think I may not be bringing in a steady incomefor a while and scarier.. Think of all the bad bad TV I can accomplish while bored at home... Okay, I NEED TO FIND A JOB!

Also, in about 3ish weeks I'll be living with the most wonderful man in the world that has happened to always want to stay hours away from me (lol). It's a bit intimidating at times to think about going from long distance.. to seeing him... ALL THE TIME!

Last but not least I am about to move to a BRAND NEW city in the Midwest where in retrospect I don't know... pretty much anyone!

What's keeping me sane? My faith. I know it sounds nuts but I'm ready (well at moments I'm ready, other moments I have emotional panic attacks... But let's ignore that). I think it's kinda encouraging to know that The Lord has put this change in my life and Matt's life for a reason. It's going to really force us to focus on our marriage and this new change in our lives. I am not denying the fact that the adjustment to living with a guy is going to be a new experience, especially a guy like Matt who honestly watches EVERY SINGLE SPORT (golf, tennis, soccer, football, baseball, basketball, WWE wrestling*, NASCAR .. And many others).  AND  let's not discredit the fact that marriage in general is HARD as is and takes constant work. I have a strong feeling there will probably be some nights where we both wonder why we signed up to be permanent roommates - but I am confident in the fact that  The Lord has put all this change on our plate for something bigger and better.

While I am still very very VERY nervous and stressed due to the fact that a lot is unknown, it is encouraging to know that The Lord does know wasssup for me! Although... I am still requesting prayers for my peace... Largely so I don't drive my fiancé (and almost husband)  CRAZY.

Thanks for your constant support!

Xo

***wwe wrestling is so not a real sport, sorry matty!

Dissection of a Weight Room

Recently-ish, I've worked up the courage to FINALLY use the weight room section of the gym. If you are anything like me you have always found the weight room section a bit intimidating. I don't know how most of the machines work, I am lifting significantly less weight than the rest of the people in there and it's usually filled with dudes. In the past, my usual gym routine was to just avoid the weight-room section, not make eye contact with anyone in there.. AT ALL COSTS and make a b-line for the elliptical/treadmill/bike section and blow outta there. Well, about 9 months or so ago I decided that I should start lifting weights, mainly so my arms don't look like waving ghosts in my wedding dress and also because I am always jealous of those girls that can walk into the weight room section and know exactly what they are doing.

Since I have started frequenting the weight room and I have actually noticed the weight room is a lot like the cafeteria from Mean Girls (if you don't know what Mean Girls is - then you can't sit with us). There are specific types of weight room people and I have decided to group them. Read, judge, criticize my list below and let me know what I am missing, this is IMPORTANT business.

1. "That Guy": This is the guy (or could be girl.. not usually) that is the loudest, most obnoxious guy in the weight room. He is usually standing at the most intimidating machine and has the heaviest weights all around him - although you hardly ever see him lift a single weight. If he does actually lift a weight - it's once and it's coupled with the LOUDEST grunt of all time. "That Guy" is also not afraid to walk up to anyone he wants to and tell them all the ways they are doing their moves wrongly. I thank you "That Guy" for your comedic relief as I fake my way through pretending to know what I am doing through my weight lifting routine.

2. "Bro-tein"**: This is the guy (or girl) who is "in the zone," they usually have a huge milk jug full of water/protein/Gatorade/steroid juice(?) by their sides, their music blasting as they rip through a ridiculous amount of reps. This is the person that makes me feel terrible about myself - mainly because I am sitting on the bench next to them lifting 15 pound weights while they are lifting 115 pounds oh and all without breaking a sweat. Thank you "Bro-tein" for putting into perspective how truly weak I really am.
**Thanks to my friend Gabe for this terminology 


3. "Workout Barbie": Freaking workout barbie - how I hate you. This is the Regina George of the weight room ("she has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus"). She looks beautiful, she sweats basically sequins and she can lift an impressive amount of weights. She makes even the dumbest little weight lifting routines look perfect. I try with all my power to avoid standing near this woman and of course NEVER make any eye contact- however when the universe (or the gym because every other spot is full) forces us to stand next to each other - it does motivate me. Umm hello, she can't look THAT much better than me - I might be in pain for 16 days after my work out, but I sure am not gonna her make me look that bad in the gym.  So for that, thank you "Workout Barbie."

4. "The One that Has No Idea What They are Doing": This is exactly what it sounds. This person has no idea what they are doing. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I was and sometimes am still this person. I remember probably one of my most embarrassing moments at the gym. I was with my former co-worker, Juliena (she is a "workout barbie") and I was faking my way through using the weight room with her. I decided to do the pull down bar and thought I must look pretty good using it to - as everyone was gawking at me and smiling. My large ego and happy cloud was shot down the second Juliena looked at me and started busted out laughing. Apparently, I was sitting on the machine, backwards. Yeah, that kept me from going back to the weight room for about a solid year and a half. But, don't you worry "The One that Has No Idea What They are Doing" - you can only go up from here.

5. "Get In and Get Out": This is person who walks in grabs their weights - does their reps and blazes on outta there. This person isn't looking to chat, isn't looking to correct anyone's mistakes - they are looking to just lift some weights, even if its moderately incorrect and move on. I prefer to be this type of person, so "That Guy" please refrain from coming up to me while I am bench pressing to educate me on what muscles I am working on (true story).

6. "Wannabe Wife": This person.. this person.. THIS PERSON. The "Wannabe Wife" is the one that makes you want to pull your hair out. They have full blown make up, the cutest outfit on (okay, I am jealous of their work out clothes) and not a drop of sweat on their face. They are there, in the weight room, crossing their fingers that a man (usually "That Guy") will walk up to them and use some gross pick up line, fall in love and never have to come back to the gym- ever again. Thank "Wannabe Wife" simply for giving me quality gym time entertainment - it feels like I am watching Laguna Beach while working out.

I am in no way judging... we need all of you to make this world go round. Now, for all of you fearful, afraid, intimidated by the weight room - this should empower you! Get in there and lift some weights! Look on the bright side...there is always going to be someone that looks absolutely ridiculous standing near you and if there isn't... bring me along, you'll look like a pro standing next to me. GOOD LUCK and don't forget to reward yourself with Fro Yo, after!

I gained weight & I'm actually saying.. Thank you?

As I have shared in my previous posts, I have recently reached lifetime status again after a long struggle of yo-yoing with my weight. What I have come to realize and I think most people that have gone up and down, back and forth with their weight totally get what I am about to say.. keeping the weight off is HARD! I have managed to pretty much stayed the same since hitting lifetime - but I did go weigh in about 2 weeks ago and was shocked to see I put on a few pounds (3 to be exact). Yes, I know you are probably rolling your eyes thinking... 3 pounds seriously? But, it is scary- especially for someone who is about a month away from her wedding and even scarier to someone who has spent 90% of her life obsessing about food and weight. But even though it is "scary"... I am thankful for those 3 pounds.

I think it's nice to get the reminder that it can come back on and you have to learn how to adjust and snap back into the zone. Weight is not going to be something that you "lose" and never find again - trust me, you'll find it, FAST. It's scary how fast. It's easy to "get skinny" and then think, okay now I can eat like all my skinny friends. Trust me, if that was the truth - I would have never of been *fat*. I think small gains teach me that I cannot obsess over every single pound that I put on and gain. Yes, 10/20+ pounds is a big deal but the body fluctuates and it's not healthy to obsess and beat myself up over 1/2/3 pounds put on. I'm trying to teach myself that IF I am going to maintain, I need to learn how to LIVE the rest of my life like this. 

I think most of you can probably agree that we spend too much time counting calories and comparing ourselves to other girls (or guys, for you men). We constantly think, if I could just be one pants size smaller, I would be happier. But the truth is, happy comes from within, our own confidence and 3 pounds is not going to strip you of that happiness. I have felt trapped in my body, even when I was a size 2 in high school. Feeling like I couldn't eat anything in fear that I would wake up 86 pounds heavier the next day. I remember feeling more miserable about myself then, than I was 86 pounds before that. I remember thinking, if I could just fit into Abercrombie & Fitch (this was high school..) like all my friends, I'll be happy. If I can be a size 2 and wear an XS shirt like my friends, then i'll be happy. But, like I said... I was miserable. I felt trapped and finally I hit my breaking point, gave up and gained about all of the weight back. 

 The 3 pounds has given me a wake up call - not just to say okay - it's time to start tracking my points again and to maybe not eat that cookie and ice cream and pizza and hamburger, but a wake up call to realize that "normal people" fluctuate. This has taught me, it's normal to gain and I have to learn that it's going to happen and I have to learn how to deal. I am starting to realize that if I don't beat myself up over a few pounds, but instead use it as a way to get back into the zone, then I am actually going to have a healthy relationship with food and a healthy self image. 

I love food way to much to give up the good stuff for a life simply to never gain a single pound. And I love myself too much to let myself be trapped in my miserable skinny, starving body again. Sometimes you're going to gain - but what's important is going to be facing the music early and stepping on the scale even when you know it won't be good. Life is something to be enjoyed - spend it making smart decisions - but let yourself indulge and enjoy when you need to! 

I am going to head to Weight Watchers this week, to face the music. Hopefully, I'll learn that I have lost some of the 3 pounds that I put on. However, if for some reason I haven't... then i'll just have to try again the next week. I am slowly fixing the way I think and I will continue to share my journey as I go along. I have gotten to the point where I am tired of beating myself up because I don't look like the girl in the magazine does in a bikini or I don't have *skinny legs* I am going to learn to love who I am and focus on being healthy and happy.

Me and some of my closest friends at a wedding shower for me last weekend! 

---

ALSO: While reading around this week, I found this INCREDIBLE blog post from Brooke who has recently lost 170+ pounds. Read her incredible story and how inspiring her happiness with herself truly is: http://brookenotonadiet.com/2014/05/02/refuse-put-shirt/

Finally Back in the Lifetime Club

Well folks, It’s finally here! I have hit LIFETIME status on Weight Watchers again. It has been a long time coming and it feels AMAZING to finally be back here. I celebrated last night with My Big Fat Greek Wedding and CHINESE FOOD (Chicken Fried Rice to be exact)! I posted the great news on my Facebook last night and got a few texts/messages asking what I meant by saying I was at Lifetime again. So I guess I should clarify… Weight Watchers has you pick a goal weight that is in a healthy weight range for your height. When you are going through the program you are eligible for Lifetime Status once you are officially a “Lifetime Member.” Lifetime members are required to remain within two pounds of their goal weight. If you do this and weigh in once a month you remain a Lifetime Member and get to attend meetings for free and get to use their online/mobile e-tools for free. It’s an amazing program and is a great way to encourage their members that have had success to continue to have success.

My WW Key Chain - the bronze piece
that holds the different charms we get
at our 10% (losing 10% of body weight),
the hands clapping = 16 weeks in the
program, the circle shape is for when i hit
25 lbs lost, and the key is for lifetime.
You get a star for goal weight as well &
a few other charms. 

I hit Lifetime Status when I was 15 years old and lost my 86 pounds. As I explained in my previous post I did not continue going to Weight Watchers meetings or doing the monthly weigh ins like I knew I should - and that is how I found myself where I was in college. I gained back almost every pound that I lost and now YEARS later I am finally back at Lifetime Status! Meaning, I am within two pounds of my goal weight! And let me just tell you, it feels better than it did the first time. It feels AMAZING - because it has been a rough, long and exhausting road - spanning over years of up and down and smaller pants and bigger pants. I have worked harder for every single pound that I have gotten off.. AGAIN than I did the first time and I am vowing to you now that I will do everything I can to stay healthy. 

I've realized how important it is to stay accountable to yourself. Not just because you want to be "skinny" but because you want to be healthy. Healthy. That is the goal. I'm not giving up the foods I love, I'm not giving up my little cheats here and there. You've gotta make it a lifestyle that's what they mean by saying  "Lifetime" I'll be living this *New* way for the rest of my life. I am never going to be someone that can eat whatever they want and doesn't gain a pound - so I can't expect to live that way either. Now, I'm not saying that I will never ever gain a single pound again - because that's CLEARLY a lie. But, I do think the way I view it will be different. My goal is to live life, enjoy life, enjoy food BUT to be mindful of my weight. If I feel I've gained a few pounds, I'll be proactive and catch it early instead of catching it 50, 60, 70, 80 lbs later - like I had to do this go around. My plan is continue to attend my Weight Watchers meetings weekly and weigh in at least once a month because I need the accountability and I need the fellowship and community that I get from my leaders and my meeting buddies. 

Thank you so much to all my AMAZING Weight Watchers Leaders (In Falls Church, VA, in Statesboro, GA, in Buckhead (Atlanta) and in Dunwoody, GA). Thank you to my parents, my sister and my friends & my fiance who have been my greatest cheerleaders - and have listened to me cry and cry and cry every time I was stuck in a plateau and just wanted to give up! 

April 2008

Me with my Mom & Sister (November 2010)

At Ashley-Rose's Wedding (also a Lifetime Member) with Laura & Kaitlyn. (Summer 2012)

The Vampire Diaries Tour with Hailey & Melinda (September 2012)

Christmas 2012

At Laura's wedding with Melinda (March 2013)

With my fabulous Fiance at my Best Friend's Wedding (June 2013)

Now both Lifetime Members with Ashley-Rose at my engagement dinner (June 2013)

In Chicago with Laura & Melinda (September 2013)

Shhh.. It's okay to cheat a little

Yes, I am fully endorsing having an affair. But, this type of infidelity is actually in reference to committing an adulteress act on your DIET.  As I mentioned in my previous post the main reason I think that I struggled to maintained my weight loss success was because I didn't allow myself, EVER... to cheat!

I was asked by my AMAZING Weight Watchers Leader, Barbara (who lost and has kept off close to 150 lbs - wow!) to share my 'Success Story' at a Weight Watchers meeting tonight. So, I shared my story - very similar to all that I said in my previous post and I largely harped on how key it is to ENJOY!

I let myself indulge in things I'd never let myself indulge in when I was losing weight on Weight Watchers, the first time - but you know what I am enjoying myself and I am now starting to see this whole experience as manageable and as a lifestyle change, not just a "diet". I think when you deprive yourself you feel cheated, you feel trapped, locked in and miserable.

Now, I'm not sitting here saying that I cheat on Weight Watchers every day - but I do let myself enjoy Ice Cream, Chipotle (i had that tonight), Chinese food, Candy - you get where I am going with this. It's all about balance and it's all about porition control.

While sharing my story tonight, Barbara turned the floor over to the members in the Weight Watchers meeting and asked if anyone had any questions. One women raised her hand and asked what my "cheat items" are... That got me thinking - what are my secrets? What are my little indulgences that I enjoy on Weight Watchers, while still losing my weight. I've put together a short list of some cheat items that actually aren't "so bad" and I would LOVE to hear some of yours - as I am always looking to expand my cheating bucket list!

Cookies 'n Cream Flavor = My FAVE.

1. Skinny Cow Ice Cream- Everyone knows my OBSESSION with Skinny Cow and even more Ice Cream (I am eating one right now while write this). As someone who is Lactose Intolerant - I SAVE up my dairy allowance and I pre-track my 4 points plus skinny cow into my day, every day so I have that delicious ice cream treat to look forward to, everyday. The other great thing about it is that in terms of dessert - this one is pretty diet-friendly and it's delicious to boot! I challenge you to find your "something sweet" - your dessert that you can indulge in and enjoy - finding this (as long as its realistic) will help you to manage your weight better. Don't deprive yourself of sweets - DO NOT DO IT


2. Sweet Potato Fries - Ummmm.. Hello, I love food and all proud food lovers usually love fries! I especially love Sweet Potato Fries. I found Alexia Sweet Potato fries (you can usually find them in the organic frozen section) or if you aren't into the Organic craze go to the regular frozen section and get the Ore-Ida Sweet Potato Fries Straight fries. You can have ~25 of these fries for 4 weight watchers points plus (that's what WW points are called now.. Points Plus, FAAANCY). At only 4 PPV it is so worth getting my fry intake in with these yummy fries.

3. Pop Chips- Now this list is getting ridiculous... Ice Cream, French Fries and now ..  Chips? Yes. But Pop Chips are so worth it. They are amazingly tasty and you can have around 22 chips for only 3 PPV. Done. I'm in. Now, if you are like me - a mindless eater I would suggest counting out your chips and putting them into zip lock bags and walking AWAYYY from the kitchen or you can buy the pre-portioned bags. I understand that sometimes it's cheaper to buy the big bags - but for me a little extra cash is worth me not stuffing an entire bag of chips down my face in one sitting, just sayin'

4. PB2- Thank you to my WW Leader Barbara for this AMAZING suggestion. PB2 is probably one of my favorite finds and is an awesome way to enjoy PEANUT BUTTER! PB2 is powdered Peanut Butter (you mix it with water) - I know is sounds disgusting but I promise you it actually is not. And at only 1 PPV for ~2 Tablespoons of Peanut Butter it is well worth it (normal Peanut Butter is like 4-7 sometimes 8 ppv!). My favorite of the PB2 is actually the Chocolate flavor - I put it on toast or dip apples in it - AMAZING. You can also find this in the organic section or I get mine off of Amazon!

5. Bolthouse Ranch: Well, I do live in the South. They serve ranch here like it is going out of style. But if you didn't already know Ranch is no where close to healthy eating. Bolthouse Ranch is yogurt based and AMAZING! You get this in the refrigerated section - by the bags of lettuce. It's I believe 1 PPV for 2 tablespoons (double check that for me before tracking it as that!) and it actually tastes so good (unlike most fat free or light ranch dressings)

6. Turkey Sausage Crumbles: These are a newer discovery and I have become obsessed, VERY fast! I eat them seriously at breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. I promise I don't eat them every day but I sure could. They are quick - you can mix it with anything - egg whites, pasta sauce, you get where I'm going here and for a 1/2 cup of crumbles it's only 2 ppv!

I understand that all of these were lower point cheats - but trust me I let myself enjoy Chicken Fried Rice - usually once or every other week - I just am certain to measure out a cup (7PPV) (and I usually smoosh and fit a much rice in that one cup as I can), I will enjoy a Burger and fries from Farm Burger with my girlfriends usually once a week and I still manage to lose weight for the most part, weekly. I've discovered that weight loss and maintaining a healthy weight is manageable and do-able. It's all about picking what and where you will "cheat" and "splurge" and deciding is this worth it? Let yourself live a little - let yourself enjoy and you will feel happy and satisfied.

If you have any "healthy cheats" or non-healthy cheats share them with me! I am open for new cheats and I can probably help you find a substitution for a cheat-item that isn't as Weight Watcher friendly.

Good Luck and remember.. It's okay to cheat a little.

Minus the Skinny Gene

As I shared in my previous blog post - I have finally committed and lost a substantial amount of weight - the weight that I gained in college (why, why, why, did I do that to myself?). At 25-years-young I am unfortunately not able to say that this is the first time I have had to fight the battle of my weight.

Middle School Years

Let's take a trip back in time - let's visit elementary school aged, Mackenzie. I was always the chunky kid - it didn't really seem to bug me, I had great friends and tons of cute clothes from the Limited Too, so that's all I really needed. However, it did start to bug me as I started noticing little differences between me and my friends. My friends were all smaller than me, I couldn't really borrow their clothes, many of the clothes at  Limited Too weren't fitting me like they used to - and I could NEVER seem to make it through the DREADED mile in gym class, without plotting a plan in my head as to how I'd fake an injury to end it early. But, I was a kid and thankfully, I was not as consumed as much into what everyone else thought. But then it was time for Middle School and let's face it - Middle School is rough. We're all awkward, we're all emotional, confused and trying to figure out what is and isn't cool - but add in being overweight & having bad bangs on top of it (thanks Mom) and it's even rougher. It always seemed to bug other people that I was overweight and to this day I've NEVER seemed to understand that. Hearing other people say things about me or hearing my parents encourage me to maybe not eat this or that, started to slowly sink into my mind. From that, I did try to cut things out and eat a bit healthier - but, I was a middle schooler and thankfully, that was just something I didn't find to be a priority at that moment.

If you couldn't figure it out - I'm the one in pink (High School)

Fast forward to High School.. High School is when the reality of my weight really started to register with me. No longer was it "baby weight" I went from "baby weight" to super over weight - in what seemed like a matter of moments. My parents suggested that I start trying to get a hold of my weight and I could tell everyone at school thought so too.  So, I started trying different diets, Slim Fast - I mean hello, Slim and Fast sounded like a good option to me. I'd try it for a few days, but then quit - Do you blame me? Those shakes are disgusting & I like food, that's not food. I tried Weight Watchers because my parents wanted me to, lost a few pounds then fell off the wagon and countless other fad diet attempts. I just didn't have the passion or the drive at the time. My parents also pushed me to start working out, that was also something that I dreaded. Why the in the world would I purposely want to go run around in a circle - the only way you could get me to run was if something was chasing me. Reluctantly though, I'd go for a walk, walking as slow as I could, taking as many short cuts as I could, because I didn't want to and just didn't care. It wasn't that I was necessarily "happy" with myself and my appearance - it's just that I didn't care yet to change it and my wonderful friends loved me regardless. 

Finally, in the 10th grade - I remember sitting on the couch (of course) and having an epiphany that I was ready to be healthy. I was ready to go to the Abercrombie and buy whatever I wanted. I was ready to be able to run a mile and not have to stop every minute to "tie my shoe." So, I walked up to my mom and told her I was ready to re-join Weight Watchers. This time was different, I was in control - it was my decision, it wasn't someone else's choice. The weight started to come off I even started to work out, voluntarily - and not because someone was chasing me or dangling a cookie in front of me (HA). I was shocked to keep seeing the numbers drop on the scale every week and slowly but surely, I was getting into the "normal" sizes that a 15-year-old girl "should be." I was lucky, my mom cooked me healthy meals and helped me by measuring my daily points and serving sizes - we belonged to a gym and I was able to go work on on the elliptical daily - and within 9 months I had gone from a whopping 216 pounds (Size 18) to around 130 pounds (Size 2). In 9 months, I had dropped 86 pounds - something I can not even fathom now. High School got a lot easier then, I looked a lot more like my friends, I was even asked by people  I went to school with for my entire life - if I was new. Incredible, right?

Post Weight Loss, High School

But,  if I'm being honest. I was never truly satisfied with myself. My weight became an obsession - I couldn't stop losing weight. I dropped well below 130 lbs at one point and I'm 5'7. I constantly starred at myself in the mirror pulling on spots on my body and thinking if I could just get rid of this or that, I'd finally be happy with myself. But, the truth is - no matter how small I got, I wasn't ever going to be happy with myself. Sure, I was able to wear the clothes I always wanted to fit into, boys finally started to notice me but I could never shake the obsession I had with the scale. I was constantly obsessing about the food I ate - I'd never let myself splurge or cheat in fear that I'd wake up the next day a size 18 again. At a size 2 it seemed that, on the inside, I was exactly the same girl I was as a size 18. I remember hating who I was - my sister and I used to constantly get into arguments because she'd be in mid-sentence and I'd stop and ask her - "Does this make me look fat?" She once mentioned counting over 25 times that I had asked her, in just a few hours. My weight, being "skinny" -  became so consuming. Toward the end of my Senior year, I was exhausted by it all - and right before leaving for college my parents split up. I left for college and just stopped caring.

Weight started adding on in college

The weight started catching up to me as quickly if not quicker, than I lost it before. I remember thinking, oh well, I'm a Weight Watchers Lifetime member, I'll get it off in no time. I never let myself eat french fries, pasta, pizza, dessert before - so when it was all available to me at free will in college, I indulged and indulged and indulged. I made up for every instance that I deprived myself in high school. I remember thinking - oh well, as long as I'm not as heavy I was before- I'll be good. Suddenly, I started seeing myself in pictures and I was instantly hit with a blast of reality. How much weight have I really put on? Again came the voices from others that maybe I should go back to Weight Watchers - maybe it was time that I got a hold of it. I'd make some fake attempts to 'cut calories' - park further away in the Walmart parking lot, but I knew that I wasn't going to really make it happen until it was my decision.

 My Junior Year of College- I was sitting at a intramural basketball game with my friend Tara when she told me about how she recently had bit the bullet and gone back to Weight Watchers. Tara also had struggled with weight her entire life and knew what it was like to be born without the 'Skinny Gene'. Listening to Tara tell me about her struggles and hear her take control of her weight, made me realize it was time for me to take control of my life too (Side Bar: Tara has now lost over 100 pounds - so inspiring!)

A few days later, I pulled into the Statesboro Weight Watchers - faced the music and hopped on the scale. My heart sank seeing the number in front of me, realizing I had in fact gained back nearly every single pound that I lost in high school. I got back on the wagon and the weight started coming off again. This time, I was on my own. I didn't have my mom to help me cook my meals & plan what I would eat - I had to do the work myself. I made commitments to spend a certain amount of time at the gym and the weight started coming off again - not as quickly as before - but it was still coming off. I was down about 45 lbs or so and with the stress of a college relationship in trouble and the overwhelming stress of my Senior Year- I put my weight loss on the back burner and gained back more than half of the 45 lbs I lost.

Me (and Zoey) Now

I fully committed myself again about a year and a half after I graduated college. I found a weight watchers meeting I loved and fully dedicated myself to getting healthy. It has been a struggle since then - the weight hasn't come off fast and I'm even exercising harder than I ever had in high school but because of this, I've learned so much. I am now 44 or so pounds down since rejoining after college (and about 60 lbs down from rejoining in college) but it has taken me double what it took me to lose those 86 pounds in high school. This time though, I decided to change my lifestyle and not ban or deprive myself of food. I let myself enjoy some sweet potato fries, I indulge in desserts often and I've picked a goal weight that is less focused on being "skinny" and more focused on being "healthy."  I was not given the gift of the Skinny Gene and maintaining my weight will forever be a part of my life. I just think what is most important is to know that no matter how big or small you are you are always going to hate something about yourself, but it's a matter of not letting it consume you and become an obsession.

Left (After gaining weight in college) Right (Today)

Depriving myself led to starvation, obsession and  brought me to the same place I was before. Strangely, I don't regret my journey at all. Sure, it's easy to say life would have been a lot easier if I didn't regain the weight that I had lost - but the lessons I have learned through going through it all again, are priceless. I realized that happiness with myself is based on a lot more than what the scale says - numbers are so different for everyone and there is not some magical number that equals happy. I never want to be the girl that is never happy with herself, constantly starring at areas I need to change and constantly seeking reassurance from others. I've realized that your body, your health, your life is your own and only changes when you have fully committed to it. Like I said before, I never understood why my weight seemed to bother other people, almost more than it bothered myself at times. The truth of the matter is, people lash out on others to mask their own insecurities. You may never look like who everyone else expects you to be. But, healthy comes in different shapes & sizes and healthy feels better than skinny ever will and that is something that I will be reminding myself of daily.

Fast Forward Two Years...

Well, a lot has changed in my life since my last blog post, over 2 years ago and I think I should start doing what I've always enjoyed, writing... again!

Now, I'm not promising you a TRUE blog post right now, I can't perform under this pressure. But, what I will promise you is a few updates on my life and I can promise you a another blog post.. soon ;) (HA HA, you've heard that before)

So, Two Years summed up in a few bullets: 

1. I've lost over 40 pounds (58 pounds total if you add in the 16 I lost in college). Yay! As I am sure many of you understand, college makes you gain weight. You are eating crap food at crap hours, not getting in enough sleep- which causes you to well.. not work out and it's just an endless cycle. As a Weight Watchers Lifetime member since I lost 86 pounds in the 10th grade, I knew that I need to get back on the bus again. I gained back way too much weight that I worked so hard to lose. So i finally rededicated myself and now I am 6.2 lbs away from being at my goal weight, again! Stay tuned for a blog post on my tips, recipe ideas and more. If you have any questions feel free to post below too, I'll also include some before and afters on weight-loss blog post. (FYI: I am in no way an expert.. so, i can't guarantee it's gonna work for you or anyone, but I hope it does!)

2. I met a boooooyyyyyy. Actually, I already knew him, but... It took him about 3 years to work up the courage to ask me out and it took me too long of playing 'hard to get' to finally go on a date with him. You see Matty boy used to be umm, crazy? Not like cray cray crazy, but loud.. wild and obnoxious (i'm sorry, babe!) Now, while I am loud-  I am used to myself, thankfully during the 3 years before asking me out he has grown up a lot and I was crazy not to accept his offer to let him take me out on a swanky date, sooner.

3. Me and that boy.... are engaged! Yay! I am so lucky that I get to spend the rest of my life with someone as loving, compassionate and handsome as he is! Sad news, he recently accepted a job at Purdue University (yay for him!) so we will be spending the next 10 months long distance until we get married in June and I join him in Indiana. Fact is our entire relationship has been long distance.. we started out 3 hours a part but now I guess that wasn't far enough, so he added about 7 more hours and we are now 10 hours apart. From my experience with long distance, it's always possible but takes diligence, trust and a lot of work, just like any relationship. There are so many people that have/ are going through a similar experience as I am - so, I will happily share my experience and I hope that you will share yours with me! There's strength in numbers!

4. I was Baptized. I accepted Jesus as my savior back in August of 2009 but I wanted a way to finally profess my faith, publicly. So, in August 2011 I was baptized at my church home, Buckhead Church. As someone who did not grow up in the church I was never baptized and felt I was called to share my story. My life has been significantly different since accepting Christ. I am not saying that magically everything in my life has been AMAZING and It's like walking on clouds and spitting out rainbows- definitely none of that. But, I have had a restored strength in my life because I know I am not going through my life alone and my life has a purpose. Again, as someone that did not grow up in the church I was always uncomfortable when people tried to jam their religious views down my throat, so I will NEVER do that to you - but I will share my thoughts from time to time and if you ever have questions or comments, I am happy to answer. Here is the video of my Baptism from almost 2 years ago :) http://vimeo.com/28366918


Blogging has served as a way for me to communicate my feelings, thoughts and life - I think it's time I start back, hopefully I won't bore you too much :)

xoxo

My New Pup, Zoey. She'll be 1 in September

My Fabulous Fiance, Matt